Australia!

I really wanted that movie to be good. Didn't you? I mean for the first time Hollywood was focusing its sights on a country that until recently has gotten little attention from the western world. Here was the possibility of the first big Australian Western epic. And unfortunately it fell into the hands of Baz Luhrmann and in the end made a better trailer than a movie.

Lets hope for my sake that this is one of those times that life does not imitate art. The point of this entry is to inform you that I have arrived safely and soundly in the "land down under". I have little doubt that the real Australia will disappoint. But lets think about this for a moment? Why do they call it the land down under? Down under what? Down under denotes almost a negative quality to something. Like a rat crawling to its little home in the basement? "Down under"neath your bed is where all the monsters used to dwell when you were afraid to turn off the light before going to bed as a kid. Do all the monsters of the world reside in Australia? Maybe so. It has more things that can kill you then anywhere else in the world. I read recently that of all the worlds most 10 poisonous snakes all reside in Australia. Even caterpillars here can kill you. That sounds pretty "monstrous" to me. Hmm..I have seen more cockroaches here in one week then I have seen in one whole year in NYC. Hell is considered down under. Australia is one of the hottest places on earth. Hell is supposed to be really hot...hmm....maybe someone is trying to tell us something here?

All aside I have arrived and arrived with a nasty cold and have taken to being bed ridden for the next three days. So I am bunkering down in Sydney for a while. How long you say? No clue...but that is the beauty of traveling the way that I do. In my exile however I have made already some conclusions about the place that I found myself in.

For starters. Australia (especially Sydney) is not like hell at all. Its a lovely place. With beautiful cities (I have only seen one so far) and pretty beaches. In fact it quite reminds me of the states in many ways and at times I have often forgotten that I was in foreign country at all. Put then every once and a while something pops out that reminds me of my tenure in hell. (or my tenure away from Hell-the USA-depending on how you look at it). After all they do call all of thier bars "hotels" for some reason. For starters they too like their New Zealand brethren drive on the wrong side of the road. No big surprise there. With the exception of some fashion woes (aka..some older people really like there knee high socks with shorts) the people are actually "laid back" here. They stop their cars for you as you cross the street by foot. In fact they are so laid back that it has even slipped into their speech. Abbreviated slang is the norm here. Sunglasses are "Sunnies". McDonalds is "Maccas" (don't ask me where that one came from) and the ever present mosquito is a "Mozzie". I had visited the Sydney Tower Restaurant the other day and politely asked if there was a coat check to check my bag into while I ate. The accompanied silence and blank stares that ensued from behind the reception counter did little to put me at ease. Some where off in the distance a car horn squeaked and a dog barked. I could have crossed the grand canyon twice in the time it took them to answer me. These people clearly had no idea what I was talking about.

"You mean a cloak room"? Accompanied by a strange look.
"Sure" I replied.
"No".
"Hmm"-as I cleared my throat. "I see".

Either its so hot in Australia that people don't wear coats even to one of Sydney's premier restaurants or I have a huge language barrier to get over. I thought Aussies spoke English?

They do however make the best Peanut Butter in the world. Ya..and Aussies are supposed to famous for their Vegemite. For those you who don't know what Vegemite is...its a rather disgusting black gelatinous-goo made from yeast that is supposed to be their rival to peanut butter. I would rather eat lint than digest such a thing. So I have focused rather intently on their peanut butter. Actually it was all the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that I was making for all my treks in New Zealand that put me on to it. Most products in New Zealand are Aussie made. Why is it so good you ask? Its the creamiest peanut butter in the world...even the chunky light kind. And its just different. You have to trust me on this one. The biggest reason I was excited to have that plane touch down in Sydney was the prospect of getting straight off the plane..walking to the nearest grocery store buying a case and shipping it home. Ayers Rock? The Great Barrier Reef? For get that..I am here simply for one reason. The Peanut Butter.

They also have one of the greatest inventions ever made. The deep fried Mars Bar. It is what is sounds folks. Yes the Aussies are so bad they have actually taken something that is 100 percent bad for you, deep fried it, and made even more bad for you. I would say somewhere around 125 percent bad for you. Maybe this hell? Only a place as bad as hell can do that. I sampled this fine cuisine one sunny day while visiting Bondi Beach in the eastern suburbs. I am surprised to announce it was quite enjoyable even though I needed a gallon..excuse me..a litre of water to wash it down with.

But the biggest difference I have noticed is the wildlife. You should see some of the common birds here. Some days..when I am casually walking down the street in Sydney..I feel I am in the jungle. I haven't even left the city yet. Wild bird calls and shrieking monkeys. And you should see the size of the bats here. But what can I expect from a country that harbors the like of the duck billed platypus? And herds of wild kangaroos that I witnessed "jumping" across the plains when I visited the Blue Mountains just west of the city. To put it in Aussie terms-there is "heaps" to explore here in that regard. Yet there is nothing to explore as their is literally nothing for miles. (Australia population is roughly 25 million and occupies about the same land mass as the US).

I am excited at the prospect that I have landed in the biggest city "down under". Yet beyond it is a whole empty expanse to discover. I know out there, there will be strange things, indigenous only to Australia that I will have never seen before. Including the best peanut butter ever made.

Bill Bryson is an amusing writer. I am reading his book In a Sunburned Country all about the Australian experience. It was a gift from my friend Katheryn. He has inadvertently become my guide and companion as I read his book and explore "Oz" at the same time. I think he put it best.

"This is a country that is at once staggeringly empty and yet packed with stuff. Interesting stuff, ancient stuff, stuff not readily explained. Stuff yet to be found. Trust me, this is an interesting place."